Cycle's End

"Beyond fear lies fulfillment".
-Lina Grace

(Note: Please pardon the grammatical errors and lack of the usual picts in between.  May correct that in a few...Happy New Year!)

It truly takes courage to ask the universe for what we want.  The biggest obstacle is simply knowing what we do want and believing you deserve it and can have it.  Working doesn't seem to be the issue for many people.  It's the why that is unclear.  For those that lack even the work ethic but do have the imagination for the vision of desire only have half of the equation.  It seems that some of the hardest working people don't have the big picture and some of those that have the big picture lack the discipline to just go and get it.  What if we could have both the clarity of purpose and the drive to make it happen?

In all transparency, this has been my lesson this year in 2018.  I had the desire to do, be and have more for the better.  I worked as hard as I could given personal setbacks, that I later realized were much in my capacity to control (more on that later).  However, it was the lack of a true clear vision as to what I really wanted that I didn't grasp until now.

So here begins my recap of 2018...

I begun that year with high hopes of a better future.  Significant gains in my trading, financial worries a thing of the past and resuming to feed my travel bug were among the many things I had hoped for.  If there was anything I could take credit, it was that I worked quite diligently towards attempting to make life better, both for myself and the family.

Then it happened.  I had sunken into an episode that I had not experienced since college.  For those that don't know, I was diagnosed with clinical depression or major depressive disorder in my early 20's.  Yes, I took the medication and went to therapy sessions back then.  Unfortunately, I didn't respond to the various treatments as well as I would have liked.  Many times, the medication would seemingly increase my feelings of depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide.  

As a side note, I made the decision to come off the meds around 2002 or so.  That wasn't easy (a story for perhaps another day).  Back to what happened in 2018.

I was doing ok in my trading, though not enough to call it a true stream of cashflow (yet).  However, by April, I was a little profitable in both my futures and forex accounts.  Even despite a family disturbance, I was able to make small gains toward a new goal that I was striving for.  [I do want to take the time to say that I do not blame my family, upbringing and any negative programming for what has happened to me adversely this past year or prior.]  The best part of all, I was learning so much and implementing that which seemed to be working for me.  

Yet another sidetrack, I'm so grateful for my friend Vincent who introduced to the Online Trading Academy.  The instructors have helped me believe that financial abundance is possible and doable, no matter my medical condition.  If you wish to know more about how I met Vincent, you are certainly welcome to go to Youtube under OTAs testimonials (I think).  A quick shout out to all the instructors that I've come to learn from, particularly: Sam Evans, Justin Krebs, Joann Farley, Gabe Velazquez, Jasmine Wang, Brandon Wendall, Brandon Tristan, Bachir Chiya, Alex Perna, Tillie Allison, Cherian Matthew, Evan Morisset (for pulling me aside from a live XLT to show me how to set up my TS charts about a year ago) and (of course) Irfan Patel.  I know I left quite a few people out (may edit this.  Apologies in the meantime).

Ok...back to the story.  

The episode happened in the Fall (Autumn).  Luckily, I had I trade plan that focused on my special needs.  I was not to trade when I have become "emotionally compromised" (a term I learned from watching a recent Star Trek movie).  I didn't trade for the few days the episode had come and went.  When it was over, just like coming out of a fever or flu, I was back.  During this time, I did do some serious introspection.  

Looking back, I'm thankful for this time.  It dawned on me then that I didn't have any real concrete goals that I had passion for.  Sure I had goals and sure I had a why.  I also had that childlike imagination.  But it was during that time that I asked myself, "What if I could make the best of me work for me the best?".  It was then it hit me.  In some of our darkest moments, comes some of the greatest awakenings.  That's what contrast does for us.  At times, we see both the dark and the light simultaneously.

What I have now learned is to give my dark side a role for my higher good.  Lean into my those bleak moments to see what it was telling me.  For example, jealousy yields initially the desire to be included in a group.  When I am jealous, I step back and from realizing fully I'm jealous, there's a sense of detachment to that feeling, no matter how intense.  Jealousy is really that dual feeling of both the need to be a part of the group included and a need to be an individual apart.  Like separating ourselves from the pack, our culture teaches us that this is the way to go to.  But is it really the way to go?   

I may elaborate on the negative emotions I discovered maybe of service rather than destructive entirely, as soon as I can articulate it in a blog.  This topic on its own can go on and on.  

The good news is, I have come out of that episode and have made more concrete goals for the upcoming year.  Much of it is thanks to the loving support of OTA, key family and friends whom that I've confided in to help with creating clarity.  Now, finally for the first time in my life, I have a sense of worthiness and have been able to set those straightforward goals that I did want to set a few years ago.  It's all a matter of understanding why when you don't see what you want, despite your strong will to work, why that is.  Bottomline: Self-worth.  

For those that do follow my blog, thank you.  And for those that don't follow my blog but have visited from around the world, thank you as well.  Special thanks to the Netherlands, France, Spain, Germany, the United Arab Emirates, the United Kingdom and Mauritius for checking my site out.  I'm humbled.

Finally, I don't care for unsolicited advice from anyone.  This is a healthy boundary of mine.  If you want to, say, stay as an amiable follower of my site, you will take care as to not give me your "there-there" pity voice to satisfy your shallow ego.  You know who you are!  If you even think I'm taking about you, I am!

Happy New Year!  Here's to saying how we really feel and getting rid of things that keep us from achieving the best life has to offer!  

Thank you!  :-)

11/28/18