Eulogy @ Sunset

"Difficulties are things that show a person what they are."

-Epictetus

This month has been especially challenging.  We say goodbye to two souls from the physical: my furry dog companion Lupa aka "Lupa the Long" and my Uncle Allan, who died shortly after.  It was a heavy blow, much like when you get the wind knocked out of you in a fight.

The reason why I mentioned my dog Lupa first is only because I wasn't close to my uncle.  This is not to say that he is less important.  I mention him because of the profound impact both deaths have on my mom, whom I am very close.

I won't go into detail about Lupa's sudden death just yet, though the shock is thankfully wearing off just a little...at least enough to write this blog.  In case anyone was wondering, he died on the 10th of this month.  I do miss him so much.  He was a great friend.  He gave me support when I was weak, and rejoiced when I was doing well. 

Lupa wasn't just a "fair weather friend".  He was a true friend; someone who is there no matter what.  

I've been trying to be strong for my mom during this time, as she, like me, doesn't have any friends with whom she keeps close touch, let alone many family members.  It hasn't been easy for either of us.  Quite frankly, I feel like I'm doing double duty, dealing with the natural grieving process and my clinical depression.

It is with these moments in time, I am perhaps most reflective.  

I've delved into my deepest, most darkest emotions and surprisingly there is something positive that can come out of it.  After all, we can think of many, maybe not all, times in our lives when just when all hope is lost, there is something real good that came from around the corner.

Even if we didn't believe in that, on a scientific level, chaos comes before order.  When we can embrace this, we offer surrender while we are doing the best that we can.  Chaos is then the negativity that must show for positive things to happen.  

If this is the case, can we look into our negative emotions and see light in the darkness?  I think so.  Maybe there is a purpose to our dark side after all.

I'll start with anger, which as of late has been one of my primary emotions.  Anger, when channeled in a positive way, is a doing energy.  It leads to productivity, since it has a higher vibration than, say depression (I'll talk about depression later).  Positive results can came from such a fiery energy.  I'm learning to do this better now that I'm aware of it, though I still have a long way to go here.

Envy can offer inspiration to find to some extent what we want.  Many times, we want a good life, but don't know what it looks like on a concrete level.  Seeing it in others offers a clue and that can be quite refreshing.  Also, we can say, "If they can get what they want, so can I.".  

Jealousy, envy's cousin, is the fear of losing what we already have.  If we look at this emotion in a positive light, it can lead to appreciation of what we do have, rather than worrying about losing it.  That is easier said than done.  While I do love my dog Lupa, losing him gave me perspective that we will lose everything we have anyway.  Therefore, worrying is useless.

Sadness is what happens when we lose things.  Since we all lose things, it is best to be open to compassion and empathy toward ourselves and others.  It's a reflective energy and quite often yields to introspection.  If we look within ourselves truly, growth occurs.  Our world expands and we become more free.  If we live better for it, it is the very example that will make the world a better place when we leave.

Depression can be considered as prolonged sadness, either over an event or something deeper.  What I mean by deeper is perhaps our interactions with people in our lives growing up, particularly those close to us, have been dysfunctional and may still be dysfunctional.  The reaction becomes that of anger that implodes, attacking the host eventing in depression.  Not everyone reacts to bad relationships in the same manner, of course; though it is the case of one suffering from depression.

Clinical depression, on the other hand, is not very well understood.  While the emotion of chronic intense sadness is present, it is amplified to the point where everyday tasks, such as work, school and even cleaning the house may seem insurmountable.  I've suffered with this disease ever since I could remember.  My relationships with many of my close ones growing up were indeed dysfunctional.  However, I also think that what I have is deep rooted in my DNA as well.

What I've come to learn from this emotion/condition is the power of creativity and self-love.  While this is a process, I find looking inward that it is possible to alleviate, if not cure, my illness.  Ever since I've been a trading student at the Online Trading Academy, I've designed my own online class schedule (placing it monthly on a whiteboard calendar), put together a daily to-do list, continuously update and improve my desktops and workspaces for trading, make adjustments with my trade plan when needed (e.g. what to look for in a trade and when NOT to trade) and allow time for exercise and leisure.  I'm there for myself during my shortcomings and celebrate my victories, no matter how small.  I would not wish depression on my worst enemy.  Since I have it, it has allowed me to get creative with how I approach things.    

Fear may heighten the sense of preparation for the worst case scenario.  If we deal with this emotion is the right way, we can offer solutions to many problems that we have in our lives.  We then see ourselves in another person and understand why.  Maybe we don't like what the other is doing, but we understand.  This will help us prepare, without being consumed with separation, racism, bigotry, religious difference, politics, sexism, ethnocentricity, etc.  I much rather find solutions to how to protect the planet and my family than to be so headstrong on why a certain group of people don't agree with my point of view.

Despair is a deadly emotion.  It means we lost all hope and are willing to do things unethical to fulfill our means.  When directed in the right way, much like fear where we find and act on solutions, we let go and find acceptance with the outcome, because we've done our best.  There is a sense of surrender to the universe that there is something higher in control.  Some may not believe in this idea.  Instead, the scientific idea of case and effect could be more acceptable.

Grief, which is something I'm undergoing now, can give way to humility.  On a side note, I've been watching a lot of space documentaries and nature shows on National Geographic.  It's very humbling.  Grief is an emotion that slows things down, offers introspection as well as forgiveness towards ourselves and others.  Here, we reflect how impermanent everything is, as well as how fucking petty our inflamed minds are.  Sure, we lose track from time to time.  We can rest assured that grief will always bring us back until we too are gone.

While there are other emotions, these are just the ones that came to mind in this blog.  I do hope this has been healing to some extent or at least a little interesting.  I know for a fact it's been healing for me.  Even though I'm still going through the grieving process, I am certain good will come from this.  I will be stronger, if not already.  I don't know when we will all go, nor how.  It is beyond anyone's control (unless, of course, one kills themselves and/or kills others [I dislike the word "commit" when it comes to suicide, though will use it when speaking with the general public, so as not to confuse them.]).  Having the same fate is the ultimate equalizer.  Who knows what happens after?  While I do wonder about that, I'd like to do my best with appreciating what good I have in my life now while it's still here.

#transient