Reflecting back on how I used to think and act brings about pain. It brings about pain because I harmed people around me. For example, my anger was so out of control sometimes, I would hurt people mentally and physically. In addition, I would smash wooden chairs and shatter plates all around the house. Though I'm proud to say I no longer exhibit this type of behavior, the inner anger will surface from time to time. For that reason, I opt to stay away from people and circumstances, at least as much as possible, that may provoke such feelings to arise. Instead, I look to hang around positive and encouraging people, which I feel so blessed to have in my life.
Reading the right books and being around the right people gave me the strength to confront my internal issues. I also was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and was heavily medicated for years. Though my suicidal thoughts would diminish, so would all my other feelings such as joy, happiness and love. The process of self-education and the power of association weaned me from my medication. As the cloud of sedation cleared, I was able to experience life again, this time more empowered.
I bring this up because today at training, there were those who shared similar struggles with depression and thoughts of suicide and how they were able to overcome. It was truly inspirational as I think of it now, though at moment, I was divided between listening to their stories and sinking into my own self pity. It seems that sometimes, negative thoughts and feelings appear almost out of nowhere. This time, I traced it back to something I've been struggling with for years: comparing myself with others. It appeared that a lot of people were doing better than me, as some were getting recognized for their achievements and feeling really good about it. At that point, I felt inadequate.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy for people's victories and love being around good people. So, what I was feeling is not be confused with jealousy. I had my own personal issue simply at that moment. Normally, I'm not this way. Logically, other people's success and happiness has nothing to any lack of my own. Nevertheless, I made a committment to myself that if I ever felt bad, I would introspect and resolve it. I would do my best.
As I sat in that room, my negativity nearly drained all my energy. Still, I was determined to stay focused on the training. Playing that part back in my mind, I realized I have the power to block out positivity. What I mean is that I was in a place completely surrounded by good energy and good people, yet I felt the opposite. Of course, usually I much rather be around positive people, because it gives me proactive contrast if I do feel bad. But at that moment, I found it exhausting to be there, and just wanted to go home. Sometimes, I don't realize how negative I am until I become aware of it later. It's much like an alcoholic that admits they are one, after finally becoming disgusted with themselves. It is at that point, that they are ready for change. What a glorious day! I'm so appreciative that I have developed the skill to be consciously aware of these types of thoughts and feelings.
So a question I asked myself was, "If I can block out positivity even though I'm surrounded by positivity, couldn't I exert the same power to block out negativity even though I'm surrounded by negativity?" The answer had to be "yes". Now, I just need to become stronger emotionally so as to solidify this belief in my subconscious. This does not mean I should seek out unfavorable situations, circumstances and people. Another question I asked was, "Can I develop the courage to allow positivity to affect me when I'm surrounded by positivity and discover positivity when I'm surrounded by negativity?" The answer again had to be "yes"! The last question I asked myself was, "If I allow positivity to affect me, will my actions produce positive results eventually, even if setbacks occur?" The answer had to be, without a shadow of a doubt, "yes"!
Our best is different from when we are feeling good than from when we are feeling bad. When my emotions and/or energy are low, I think of this agreement I have with myself and do my best. I'm very glad I did that today. If I didn't, I wouldn't have unveiled what I was supposed to learn. And even if I didn't do my best, for whatever reason, I would make a conscious decision to take responsibility, learn from my mistakes and take action on those adjustments. It was a great training today indeed!
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